Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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