i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
