My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize