I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
