new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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