Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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