You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
