sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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