I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
