just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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