I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
