You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
