How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
