I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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