i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
