i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
