Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Say something about gay babies.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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