I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
