I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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