he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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