I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
