Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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