best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
where are you?
Hypothermia
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
