i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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