i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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