i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
