I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
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