Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
