you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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