can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Randomize
