Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I just want to make out with him forever
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
