today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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