I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
