My girlfriend figured out who you are.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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