There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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