even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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