I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
