I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
