So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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