listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
