At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize