you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
