Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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