well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
