I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
