she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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