i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize