This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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