I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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