First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
