Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
