I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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