totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
