You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
