Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
