He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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