I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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