Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
