Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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