you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
My brain says no but my pants say off.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
