my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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