the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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