So drunk, too bad you don't want this
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
well, you know. whores of a feather.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
